Thursday, 27 August 2015


Humorous speech

Humorous speech contest for City of Perth Toastmaster Club 2014 I was a late entry. Just a speech old, I took the plunge into the competition on the behest of an old friend. With only 2weeeks away for the completion to prepare and practice, I took the safest way: “The fight between man and woman”. A topic which almost everybody can relate. I took day to day situation and exaggerated them to make it humorous.

While drafting I used Bold to notify the points where I want to stress. Red is commentary about particular things which I wanted to be on my mind while on stage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~WOMAN AND MAN~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good evening Mr/Madam Contest Chair, fellow Toastmasters
How often have you looked at your spouse and wondered if they were from the same planet as you, let alone the same species?  Well, you are not the first to wonder that; in fact John Gray wrote a book about it – Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus – who here has heard about it?

Many of you may have noticed me wearing this sweater for quite a few occasions. Let me tell you how I received it.

One day during the office hours my wife called me. As luck could have it I was in a presentation by our CEO, about our company. Too eager to know about the future prospectivities, I choosed to ignore it for the first time but after subsequent rings, I picked up fearing emergency. She started complaining about her friend. I could only reply in a lowest possible voice “Hummm…… Hummm…. Hummm….” It continued for 720 secondssss (make it as long as possible)  Incase you are trying to look for your calculators it is 12 minutes to be exact. As soon she finished her complaint, I politely ended the conversation saying will call u later after the meeting. The day I went home quite terrified as I couldn’t recall one sentence she said I was too busy hearing our CEO and I know ladies over here truly appreciates multitasking skills of men. But as soon I reached home got this sweater as a gift for being the world best Hubby.

Now, I have to wear it for all important occasion. The temperature is immaterial. (low tone) . Luckily the weather is cool over here (depend on the room temperature)

In another incident, few days ago, around 5:30 pm in the office, when almost everybody is out, my colleague which happens to be quite a good friend approached me and started blurting out that he had a fight with his wife, she shut him out of the bedroom. Not talking to him till now. I was in mid of designing a road out of the future mine and due to my great multitasking skills, didn’t really follow what he was saying. Looked at him and said “Sorry”. His face brightened. . “You are my best friend, thanks for solution”. He remarked. I was stunned thinking what did I say? What solution? (stress) Though I was happy he didn’t kiss me. (depending on the mood)
Mr. Gray said that men complain about problems because they are looking for solutions. When women complain about problems, they want their problems to be acknowledged.
Gentlemen, better die but do not disturb your lady when she is talking. Your lady will love you until the day you die. (pause) Just bear in mind, generally there are no Harkmaster around. (lower down the tone)

And ladies (stress) you don’t have to listen, give a solution to your men, your partner will adore you. Don’t stress on solution, the value of it doesn’t really matter. (low tone) Just give them something to work with.

Garry has referred to the point system of women. Remember the way they bargain for the extra discount during shopping. This is the same system they use for referring to system of gift, love or affection. What ever you do our lady will give you just only one point. So Men don’t think you can make up forgetting your anniversary with a big bang Birthday celebration. It’s one point. “Its taking in that you are still alive after forgetting it”. You have to continuously and constantly do something or the other to please her. Don’t really need those BIG BANG celebration. Think of breaking down the big diamond ring you have planned for into few pieces. The arithmetic goes in binary system only. (pause)

And for ladies your Men have a point system in chunks. (10, 20, 40 even 100). So you don’t have to remember everything. Just make up with a big bang celebration.

Men are straight creatures (pause). They love their ladies (stress) at the age of marriage.
(Show the slide, take the time)


After 4o-50 years, they are still love their ladies at the same age of marriage.
(Show the slide, take the time)


Ladies, so you can see "Men are straight creatures." (Stress)

And Men (stress & pause) sorry I don’t have any suggestion for you. What lady wants is a question still God is trying to figure. Who am I?

Albert Einstein once said Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

Lastly, remember Gentleman you may think to be the head of the family but your partner is the neck. Which side the neck goes, the head follows.  But they have to be together to for something useful.

They are both required to make the coin


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